I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
They took my balls.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
