when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
