The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
