Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
