my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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