I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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