Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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