i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
