i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
