Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
