people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize