Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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