theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
