We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
