last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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