If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
