Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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