My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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