hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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