A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This house was built for laser tag.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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