K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
