I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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