Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
