awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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