carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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