why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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