I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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