youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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