it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
