Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
