do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
