I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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