so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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