did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
