Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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