There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
