He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
