I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
