see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
