mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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