How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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