mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
