so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
