the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
