Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
