Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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