I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just pee around me
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
