Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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