i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
