I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
