i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dicks are not precious.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
