You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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