My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
