I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
