Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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