He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
