well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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