I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
