in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize